What would Buddha Do?

I promised Lassie's memory that I would meditate every day, but I really suck at meditating. Last night all I managed to do was change from thinking angry thoughts to thinking boring ones. That's an improvement, of course, since Buddhist practice is about ninety percent a matter of taking responsiblity for and controlling one's thoughts and boring thoughts are better than angry ones. But it isn't meditating.

I spend far too much time being angry.

I worry about that. When Momma got demented the dementia pared her mind down to the essence and the essence was her love for me and Daddy. When she couldn't say anything else she could still say "I am so proud of you". There was little memory, very few words, little  control over her body, very little cognition, but she could still feel love.

If I get demented will I be bitchy and argumentative?

So I do need to cut back on the incessant anger. It's a crappy habit. I don't really know why I do it.  Control? Trying to make the world outside my head conform to my expectations?  Egotism, just the love of ths sound of my own voice scoring points and making arguments?  Drama?

The thing is I never express anger in real life. Or very very rarely. The day I yelled at Bill for not giving his dog water was a rare exception. And I was not abusive toward him. I didn't really yell either. I did tell him off . I told him that it was his job to care for his dog and that no matter how much he read the Bible he wasn't a Christian if he didn't care for his dog with a willing heart. He tried to yell at me but I would not back down like his wife and mother do so he just slammed out of the room and went somewhere to sulk. Buddha says that Joe has something honorable and holy in him, but I think he needs a couple reincarnation cycles as a cockroach first. As the British say, he might be good at bottom, but its a long way down.

But back to me and my angry dialogs.  I really need a replacement activity. I have "monkey brain". I am an active thinker, an incessant producer of narratives. I used to tell myself stories and that kept my brain occupied. Now that I am actually almost done with an actual novel I don't tell myself stories any more. So I have a lot of brain energy that wants to be organized into thoughts about something. Otherwise I get bored.

I wonder why just an awareness of real life isn't interesting enough?  I used to love long distance driving because I was so facinated by the passing landscape. Now I hardly look at  it even though I live in a lovely area.

Life is passing by and I spend it thinking stupid angry boring thoughts and I don't know why.